2021 Bahrain GP Review: It's only illegal if you get caught

Five days following the Bahrain Grand Prix, I'm finally ready to speak publicly. This, of course, is against the advice of my lawyers and family. They believe I'm "not thinking straight," "too caught up in the emotion of the sport" and "please stop sending me extensive breakdowns of the Verstappen vs. Hamilton Turn 4 incident I am on a very important work call."

It's true, I have been a basket case since Sunday. I'll admit it. I'm still grappling with mixed feelings: deeply mourning Max's loss, while also in awe of the spectacular opening race we witnessed.

Storylines were aplenty heading into the weekend with so many new faces and teams, each session conjured up equal parts excitement, surprise and intrigue, and for the race on Sunday, overtakes were nearly as frequent as human rights violations by the local government.

While Bahrain is definitely in the top 195 countries in the world, its race track is part of a much more illustrious list: circuits that enable quality racing. And that's why I propose that, using the gross amount of money F1 has accumulated over the years, we dig up the track and transport it to, like, Greenland or something. I'm not willing to look into it any further, but nothing bad could possibly be happening in Greenland right now. Oh, side note: I found out last week while playing trivia with My Wife that Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark. Wild.

Now, down to business: Was it legal for Sir Lewis Hamilton to exceed track limits at Turn 4 an enormous 29 TIMES during the race? Somehow, yes. Did Max Verstappen put the finishing touches on an incredible move for the lead of the race while all four of his tires were beyond the white line? Allegedly, yes. Even though the rules clearly state that the FIA rightfully told Max to hand the position back, will my emotional wounds ever heal? That ... is very much To Be Determined.

Glad the best sport in the world is back again.

Report Cards

1st - Lewis Hamilton (25 pts): A+

Despite whining non-stop on Sunday and, once again, blaming his team mid-race for a strategy that ended up being good enough for a win, Lewis continued to prove that he is the least cowardly driver in the paddock. He's consistently one of very few who speak up about injustice, and this time, he called out a few of his own. Sir Lewis could've finished dead last due to forgetting how to upshift past sixth gear and he still would've gotten an A+ from this amateur F1 pundit.

2nd - Max Verstappen (18 pts): A

Listen, we're on to Imola. I don't want to dissect The Incident any further. I've gone "back and to the left" on multiple angles of the illegal overtake 156 times since Sunday. It's simply a grift at this point. I understand I've run out of ways to justify claiming that Maximillion deserved that win. So, like I said: we are on to Imola.

Max dominated the twisty, turny Sector 2 in Bahrain all weekend long, and with Imola being very much a chassis-driven, driver-demanding circuit, I'm calling a win and fastest lap for Super Max. Anything less, I'll run away from home.

3rd - Valtteri Bottas (15 + 1 pts): B-

Colour me shocked Valtteri wasn't a factor in an exciting race. Say it ain't so, doc.

4th - Lando Norris (12 pts): A+

This is the season that Lando gets recognized as one of the top tier drivers in F1. I'm not saying he's going to be on par with Max and Lewis, but he will solidify himself as one of the drivers that, with the right car, could totally win the championship. I'm thinking: Charles Leclerc, George Russell, Lando Norris. He may have the upper hand right now on his teammate, seeing as Danny Ric is still getting to know his new dance partner in the MCL35M, but he won't need it in a month. His race craft is looking sharper than ever, and after a couple years of playing the role of The Good Teammate, Lando is ready to take control.

5th - Sergio Perez (10 pts): B

Everyone is acting like they're over-the-moon impressed with Checo's recovery drive; it makes me sick. In what Mercedes are calling the quickest car, Perez didn't make it into Q3. A safety car at the start of the race enabled him to get fresh rubber right before cutting through most of the field with ease. Also, fan boys and girls want you to believe it's a miracle that Checo knew how to restart his car after an electrical failure on the formation lap. Just because the Mexican knows how to work the RB16B better than Pierre Gasly or Alex Albon doesn't mean he deserves to be knighted along with Lewis. It's a disgrace that he didn't challenge Valtteri for the final podium spot. I'll be taking no further questions on the matter.

6th - Charles Leclerc (8 pts): A-

What else did you expect? Yet again, Charles is carrying the Ferrari to points finishes it doesn't deserve. I think I'll copy-paste this review for the final 22 races.

7th - Daniel Ricciardo (6 pts): B+

Remember in DTS when Cyril kept telling Danny Ric he was making a massive mistake leaving Renault? LMAO

8th - Carlos Sainz (4 pts): B+

Carlos will not push Charles this year. He is simply not a good enough driver, while Leclerc is one of the best Ferrari has ever had. But I like Carlos. I wish him some very good Vamos-ing this season.

9th - Yuki Tsunoda (2 pts): A+

I'm not sure who boned who in Q2 - whether it was Alpha Tauri strategists deciding to try again on the mediums, or Yuki just unable to get them working - but you can bet your ass I'm not going to blame our sweet, sweet boy. If not for that call in qualifying, Yuki and his bullet of a car could've been on for some serious points. Instead, he'll have to settle for an incredible performance that only yielded a couple. I was wondering how Red Bull's junior team was going to meet required weight limits with Yuki barely being able to ride the Merry-Go-Round, but it turns out, the young man is carrying around 50-pound cojones. What a drive. The courage it takes to send a dive bomb on Mr. Fernando Alonso in your first ever F1 race?? Good heavens. And his move on the final lap of the race on Stroll might've been even better. This kid is looking like the real deal. Gasly certainly has a fight on his hands, and Checo better watch his back.

10th - Lance Stroll (1 pt): A-

Who knew it would take a four-time champion becoming Lance's teammate for the young Canadian to finally get some respect. Welcome aboard, Seb! You're doing wonders for Lance's reputation!

11th - Kimi Raikkonen (0 pts): B

Once again, Kimi walks ass backwards into another couple charming team radio conversations, and his reputability within the F1 fan base is saved for another week. I'm so sick and tired of him. Let's just call a spade a spade: Kimi, you've been around too long. You were underwhelming in what should've been your twilight years at Ferrari, but now this is just getting ridiculous. Imagine still being a fan of this cranky old man who is obviously severely lacking the talent and determination needed to succeed in any capacity in F1? Put anyone else in that car, please. The last time I cared for Kimi Raikkonen was 2006.

12th - Antonio Giovinazzi (0 pts): B-

This guy does nothing for me. Nothing.

13th - Esteban Ocon (0 pts): C-

I don't care that Fernando Alonso is a two-time world champion - Esteban got embarrassed this week by someone who hasn't raced in F1 for three years and has titanium plates in his head. Smarten up.

14th - George Russell (0 pts): B

I don't want to talk about George unless he's dragging that Williams to points finished or he's signed with Mercedes. It just hurts too much. He's a good lad.

15th - Sebastien Vettel (0 pts): F

Washed. Simply washed.

16th - Mick Schumacher (0 pts): C

Nikita and Mick had similar spins, both in what looks to be a downright undriveable vehicle, but Nikita is a dork and Mick is The Golden Boy, so five points to House Schumacher or whatever.

DNF - Pierre Gasly (0 pts): D

Fourth place was Pierre's to lose, and then he lost it. A blatantly dumb move ended up ruining what was looking to be a rather triumphant opening race weekend. Let's not hope this season Gasly comes back to earth. He's one of the more likeable drivers on the grid, and maybe he works his way up to a team with more promise with another consistent season. But Jesus, Pierre, whatever that was into Turn 6 with Ricciardo, cut that shit out. 

DNF - Nicholas Latifi (0 pts): D

Hey, the new Albert Park design for the Australian Grand Prix looks great. Nicholas Latifi does not.

DNF - Fernando Alonso (0 pts): A-

In a sport filled with ultra-famous star athletes, the lack of cockiness in the paddock is appalling. The champion is always humble, wins are a team effort, the worst altercation is a finger wag in someone's face, and drivers, for the most part, are gentlemen. It's disgusting. Fernando being back in F1 is a blessing. Alonso has taken part in a single race weekend since returning and has already claimed he's better than everyone, including the guy who has either tied or broken nearly every single record in the sport's history. It's a breath of fresh air. It's revitalizing. It's Kevin Magnussen telling Nico Hulkenberg to suck his balls. It's ......... awesome.

DNF - Nikita Mazepin (0 pts): F-

lol loser